Soul, Mind, Body

So...

2008-08-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

Everytime I come here I always wonder what I have to say that would make me seem less immature than in my previous post. I suppose it's mostly the fact that I fancy people getting their impression of how I am from a blog that I hardly update and usually gets posted in when I'm reasonably less in control of emotions, which is.. not quite how I wanna be seen. (Why am I being so self conscious.. haha)

Hmm. I suppose I won't do an update of life from since the last time I posted, there's too much to say. Guess the greater events that have occurred in recent time is that I have spent about all summer in Singapore. Being, unfortunately, less productive than I would have liked. Thinking back, a year ago I was working in China, filled with a sudden sense of productivity. Wonder where all that went. No wait, it's still in me, just somewhere around, waiting. This doesn't ever bode well..

I've pondered on the meaning of blogs so much that it's also put me off from posting anything. The idea that it's your own area of expression sounds a little too liberal and idyllic. A space for you to space out, ok that just makes me sound lame and blur. Somewhere to muse intellectually sounds vaguely intellectual (wow reusing my words), but no I don't think that's for me. A place for me to record my life's events is a little pointless, since stuff I that I would want to remember I wouldn't post it on a blog. I don't even know why i went on about that..

Life is gonna get harder. Yea, guess I'll have to contend with that.

something

2008-02-08T00:23:00.000+08:00

There's a number of incoherent thoughts floating through my head. Some aren't as irrational as they seem. I hope. Dad's reminded me, once again, I don't have enough time. But this time, there's just something in me telling me that, I can't let this go anymore. What he says does make sense, I probably will end up getting 35 max at the end of IB if I don't push up my efforts at lease threefold. Which... is not what I want. Or is it. Something really is confusing me here. I say that I want to get 40 and above, but do I really? I'm feeling more like, if I get it that'd be a bonus, if I don't, well, I expected it already. Which isn't really what can motivate me.

Reading stuff about how the simplest things in life are actually what we have and already have acquired would mean that I don't need to work harder anymore. But, that's really not what's meant for me. Why? I don't really know for sure, why it is I can't just ditch everything once I'm done schooling and just be what I want to be, not aspiring too greatly. But I think it's got something to do with what Jolenta told me. "You need to be able to do what you must to before you can do what you want." Too true. I think I really have to prove something, at least something, before anything else can happen.

Back to my grades. I'm staying awake now to blog, which I haven't really done in a while. I need to think this through clearly. At my current state, I am not going to get very much more than 35 for IB. This I acknowledge. My "aim" is a raw score of 40/42. 40 is not a score achievable by cramming in homework to the last minute to be done, and neither is it possible without daily revision and self study. This I acknowledge as well. Connecting the two, it means that I would have start revising and studying my work daily. And taking into consideration the amount of work that I should be doing, that would leave very little time left for my own leisure. Very little. Assuming that I do want to follow this path, that is. Now the question is, can I acknowledge that I have to stop enjoying my life as it is already, and learn to start enjoying studying instead. I know it, but I haven't realised it. Action comes after realisation, so I really do need to think this through. Very clearly. Then I need to decide on what it is that I need to force me to start working.

It's such a good thing that I recently have restarted my relationship with God. Well, good that it is actually back, not so much that it was gone. I think I'll need a lot more help to get the effort I want. I currently can't do that much on my own. I need God's help. Which, I pray he will help me with it. I pray that God will grant me the grace, His grace, to be able to satisfy myself with his glory, and not to be caught up with myself and my own distractions. I pray that God will help me to overcome my own weaknesses, and guide me to the path I must take.

I realised that there isn't very much life left for me to live as a kid. I'm turning 18. This is the end of childhood. I have to say goodbye to it. Nobody was going to tell me when it was that I had to say goodbye to being a kid. This is where I now say to myself. John, you're no longer a child. Grow up. Life starts here. Live it the way it should be, and not get distracted by anything unnecessary. The time starts now.

i am, home

2008-02-01T01:58:00.000+08:00

And it's starting to feel better already.
Sometimes words can't express what you what to describe. Neither can actions. Maybe it's just presence.
Or perhaps I haven't found a coherent point of view yet.
I would like to talk about Singapore. But I guess that's not really what I'm all about now.
I still haven't decided whether to make this a long or short post.
I guess sometimes, we just need to go back to where we started off, and pick up what's left and rebuild life from there. Yeah, that sounds nice.
I feel good being back, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Tired, but feeling more and more at peace. I think this is one of those rare moments in my life where i say, "I love life".

clockwork fizz

2008-01-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

I'm really tired right now. What was it I wanted to say. Ah yes, idle minds allow one's thoughts to stray into what one may already acknowledge to be a resolved subject and to relook it and wonder the possibilities of a different outcome. Moral of the story: always keep yourself busy.

On a side note, I will be returning to Singapore for Chinese New Year.

and so it is

2007-12-30T16:59:00.000+08:00

2007 is almost over.
I look back on this year so far and I'm not proud of what I've achieved.
I see failure, I see lethargy, I see sadness.
Yet I remember the time that I spent in China, having a job attachment certainly opened my eyes to certain things.
I remember those times returning to Singapore, and enjoying the company of my friends in Singapore.
I remember one decision I made that made me the possibly the happiest I had ever been in my life at that moment, yet ironically would plague me for the rest of the year.
I remember... too much.
con te io li rivivrò
I seem to have overlooked many other events that occurred as well. Things my parents have done for me. The pain and anxiety I might have caused my parents. Part of me really wants to grow up, and really wants to stop wasting the life and opportunity that my parents have provided for me.
Meeting up with Edmond helped me remember SJI. Certainly, I have no regrets about going to SJI. Times spent there were fun, if nothing else. Edmond also helped me with a few other stuff, which I thank him for.
Browsing through a music store can sometimes be really therapeutic.
I guess it's still a little early to do a summary of 2007, but I guess it has to happen at some point in time, and I'm not sure if I'll ever blog again after this.
I'd like to thank all the church friends who I talk to from SMOTA. Being able to go out when I came back, talking to me online, and just being my friend. Thanks as well to those people from CIS who helped me with this life I lead in Hong Kong, foreign but somewhat warmed because of people like you. Thanks also to my 206 and scout friends from SJI. Need to meet up with all of you sometime. And the other people who I talk to online occasionally. Sorry that I haven't got a way of classifying you guys.
You all know who you are, I feel no need to state any names. Thank You.
Much appreciation for my family, all of whom I could never live without. Best friends I could ever get.
...and you. A part of my life I will never forget.

are you still there

2007-12-23T14:35:00.000+08:00

I don't regret sending the email.
But I don't know what it is that I'm feeling
I said what I did
Yet something isn't letting me follow through with it

Christmas is almost here
Singapore seems so distant

emden

2007-11-19T17:29:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I came back here. Thanks to all for your tags about the previous entry. I guess we all are entitled to our own opinion on love. Won't say anymore about it.

Anyhow, I have recently been infected with a stomach virus. The worst is over, I'm mostly ok now.

I've been falling asleep on my computer more frequently recently. hmmm...

Recently discovered Red Hot Chili Peppers. Otherside and Snow (Hey Oh) are on my replay. Am currently on a music downloading spree.

O level's is over from what I understand, A level's should be done tomorrow, or at least for my sis. Great job guys (:

On a separate note, ever experienced a loss of identity?

Not much to say or muse about now, which I guess is a good thing.

Work work work...

Duty, obligation, decorum. I need to shape my life.

2007-10-27T17:32:00.000+08:00

My life is a mess now, I'm not even kidding about it, I have consciously not handed in my homework, consciously ignored my homework to do much less productive stuff online when I have already told my mum it would be the other way round. And as much as I realise it, I still haven't changed, so what is wrong with me.

Why do I always end up ranting whenever I blog.

Love.
There exists a word called love, the dictionary defines it as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." Wonder how long they took to actually come up with that definition.
How do you define love? It's so hard to.
I've thought about it and I came to the conclusion: it's easier to define what is not love.
So what is not love?
Love isn't hurt. Love shouldn't be hurt, and love shouldn't be hate. Love shouldn't be selfish. Love shouldn't spiteful. Love shouldn't be painful. Love shouldn't cause suffering.
So the question on my mind is, do I love?

I've realised one thing, these few days of you ignoring me. I don't want a girlfriend. Rather, I don't want the idea of having a girlfriend, or having someone to call my own. I just want you. And I know that by now, it's too late to go back to what it was. Just simply, too late. So I'll keep this smile which I wear daily, and try and face you without any pain, and without any love, because as I mentioned, love isn't all those listed above right? Not sure whether you agree with my (non)definition, but that's the way I see it. If you still want a friendship, the ball's in your court. Twice I have helped you already this past week, and you've never talked to me again after that. You probably won't read this, but if you are, I want you to know that it's you I want but won't have as someone more than a friend. Goodbye.

ok

2007-10-24T19:51:00.000+08:00

Accept what you can't change
But change, what you can't accept
So, which is which.

Ok so I went back and came back from Singapore over my mid-term break, managed to get a great dinner with church people. Thanks guys (: Much appreciated, we need to hang out more!

And so my life carries on with me existing.

Song of the Moment:
Aqualung - Strange And Beautiful
(It's such a hauntingly melodious song. It's exactly as the title says it, strange and beautiful)

By the way, thanks for your tag Nicole (:

if only no more

2007-09-30T18:13:00.000+08:00

Dad talked to me about what's been going on in my life. Again, I realise how smart my parents really are.

My dad told me why I'm still holding on, and I couldn't agree with him more.

And he's told me what's the best thing I could possibly do for myself and someone else.

I need to start taking action.

You can only change things if you have the power to.
you could only have changed things if you had the power to.
So if there was nothing I could do in the first place
There is no point thinking that there was anything that I could have done.
So if there wasn't anything that I could have done
I should just move on and accept that fact.

Yes I guess I still am an immature punk that needs to grow up. A lot of growing up.

2007-09-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

I should have realised that it will always be my Singapore friends who will really stay with me. Got blinded by so many things.

And yet I'm still not over it.

daze

2007-09-26T00:45:00.001+08:00

there is no going back.
wednesday, 26th september, 2007
12: 45 am

Too tired for tears
Too worried for fears
A little peace of life
Would bloody the dark of the scythe.

gibberish

2007-09-21T16:31:00.001+08:00

Does music set a mood? Or does it encourage one? Is it possible to listen to "emo" music and not feel "emo"? If music encourages a mood, then what mood are we actually feeling? Is it possible to feel more than one mood? If it is, then why are we feeling so many moods at once? And then, if we are feeling so many moods, wouldn't we be confused as to what we are feeling? So are we always confused? Then why do people feel frustrated when they get confused? What is confusing them? Is it the presence of another mood that they are unable to understand? Or is it the imbalance of moods? Can there actually be a balance of moods? What is the right balance?

Chris Daughtry - Used To
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
~~It's empty, and you're sad~~
~~'Cause you miss the love that we had.~~

should i?

2007-09-19T18:33:00.000+08:00

I still don't know what it is that I want. I'd like to say that things aren't complicated, but they are. I don't even know how to explain to myself what is going on. For some reason people have been telling I should just because I have a personal message of "should I" on my msn. I don't even really know what I'm asking myself in that question, or statement. And I don't really wanna figure out what it is either, had enough thinking for a while.

To anyone who might be reading this, I am okay. I am not gonna do anything stupid, so don't worry. I can't say too much here cuz it still is quite public, and I don't want too many people to know about what's happening, but if you're really curious come and ask me.

And I suddenly discovered that there is no particular song I am obsessed with at the moment. Why is that... I'm still trying to figure that one out. I usually do have a song stuck in my head. Hmmm....

On another note, good luck to all mugging! Prelims are over, but the grand finale awaits, you don't want to be caught unprepared! (: That was for those taking O's and A's, to all those who have promos, good luck, I think it's already started? Yeah, mug hard everyone.

Incoherence

2007-09-15T18:12:00.000+08:00

A face to forget
A turn you never met
The corner on the street
Is blinking at your feet

Light up a candle
Put on your coat
March together with everyone
To the knowledge of the heat

Is it harder to be awake
Or to be alive
Are you really breathing
Or is this all a dream

it ended

2007-08-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling calm right now. Probably the closest to zen-like status I've ever been before. Those who knew about what once was, I think you can tell that I've now come to the end of a road.

I'm not feeling emo now too, just in case anyone was wondering. In fact, I'm going to stop being emo from now on. Yes, I John Lee, will stop being emo from this day on. And, I will stop using vulgarities as well.

This will take a while. But I'm fine really. Calmness I guess. This blog is going to change soon (:

stab stab stab

2007-08-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

a heart cant break
it just simply dies

a soul cant die either
it just disappears

and a life cant disappear
it just fades away

first day at school

2007-08-25T08:44:00.000+08:00

"Ohio" - Bowling for Soup
She said she needed a break
A little time to think
But then she went to Cleveland
With some guy named Leelan
That she met at the bank

There's nothing wrong with Ohio
Except the snow and the rain
I really like Drew Carey
And I'd love to see the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

I'm missing you too much to say I love you
I'm loving you too much to say I want you
I want you too much to say I need you
And I need you... so much.

24th August.
One of the worst days I've had in the world.
Quote: worst day SO FAR. - Homer Simpson

Shoot me
Kill me
That might be better

For now I am just simply this big lumbering giant with no brain
no heart
no soul.

:)

2007-08-17T23:26:00.000+08:00

Feeling happy, yes stop being cynical, I was happy (:
I like fireworks
*kaboom*
*****
There we go :)
Going back to HK this Sunday
I am definitely gonna miss Singapore again ><

say it's possible

2007-08-16T11:40:00.000+08:00

Nobody is wrong. Some are just more right then others.
Would you believe that? I might.
I'd like to say that I've been really productive the past few days but I haven't been.
Desperately finding something worthwhile to occupy my time, DotA-ing is not an option.
Can't wait to get back to HK, and for school to start.
Non-productiveness has killed my productiveness.
Strangely enough, that makes some vague sense.
Hokay, sleep should be acquired at an earlier hour from now on.
Mass last night was, for lack of a better word, nice.
Haven't had a proper mass in quite a while, although I did actually go last Sunday.
Perhaps its the company.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

*edit: I realised once again how bad I am at friend's tests.

The Fray - All At Once

2007-08-12T21:09:00.000+08:00

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

well

2007-08-12T00:11:00.000+08:00

Just posting to not let this blog die. Hello again, I got back from China on Monday, leaving for Hong Kong 19th August, and am currently feeling severe lack of productivity. Yes...

Thinking of something to say but I really can't right now. Just, mental block. I wish. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if i screamed,""

Probably nothing pretty.

what am i doing here

2007-07-15T17:31:00.000+08:00

Those of you who are reading this would probably know that I'm in China right now. There's something which I just can't seem to work out no matter how many times I think about it today. I think its probably the solitude on a Sunday, that I realized how remote this place actually is. Where is my family. Where are my friends. What am I doing here? What happened to waking up late and then going to Flying Pan with the dudes, or either that going for mass in the morning with my dad? What about any of those times when I'd actually be at church at 10:45 for mass, hanging around after mass service was over and possibly going for lunch.

So much has happened this week. Working life is, to say the least, very different from school life. Which will immediately compel one to draw a comparison between the two. Which is better? Schooling or working. Getting this small taste of work, it would seem that working is actually better. Yet there's one problem, I've overlooked the fact that in the working world, there are no school holidays. There are no teachers to hound you for homework. There are bosses/supervisors to do that (although I've been fortunate not to have anyone screaming at me yet). You have your own desk, and you stay at that desk, all day. You have colleagues. Colleagues, not classmates, perhaps friends, possibly not. But in school you have the pressure of always having to perform up to your parents expectations (oddly enough, this has seemed to creep into my working life). In school, you have school responsibilities to take up. Leadership positions. And there are tests and exams to study for, exams that might determine your working life. And a whole lot of other stuff which everyone is all to familiar with. Enough rambling, which is better you now ask? I just have this to say. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Be happy with your life really. The same things that you see in school when dealing with other people is the same as in the working world. Possibly to a larger scale, depending on your job. The smart ones will always be the smart ones, those with skills will be the trainers, but its those who have the charisma and the ability to communicate people that really become the leaders. Well that's not really considering other unscrupulous means, but I'm not really in the mood for talking about that. I guess what I seem to have figured is, adults are the same as kids. They just like different stuff and have different tastes, and probably more experience in life. But the fact is that they are all still humans, and age is just a number. It's not what's stated on your passport that counts, it's what you present to others, and how you work with others, that will gain their respect.

On another note, I finally have come to the full agreement with myself that I do not regret one bit the decision to join scouts. After all those years of enduring scouting life, all the times when I got disappointed with the things that were happening to me and those around me in scouts, its all coming into play here. I finally realized just how similar the two of them are, scouts and work. I can't really explain it right now, but I'm just really grateful that at the point of time Mr. Nathan asked me to change my CCA to rugby, I held firm and stuck with scouts. Its an experience no rugby player will ever understand, or for that matter any sports player. I guess Samuel Tee was very justified in saying that he joined scouts for survival skills, I'm surviving work right now with a large portion due to my experiences from scouts.

I'm not even sure why I'm talking about all this. I guess its that time of the week when all that's filling your mind are the thoughts of how remotely lonely you could possibly be, and how detached you are from the real world, and yet being conscious of the choice that you made to agree to all this. I'm lonely right now, I'll admit that, yet oddly enough I'm not on MSN with anyone right now. I guess what I really need is someone, just someone to sit down right next to me now, someone I know, that I care for and can call a true friend, someone to just sit with me, and keep me company.

When the nights get lonely
My head is filled with thoughts of you

hokay

2007-07-05T18:06:00.000+08:00

Looks like it's been a while since I last blogged anything sensible. Wait, I never do. Hmmm.. Regardless, I'm just here to say that I'll be leaving Singapore on 8th July, Sunday, to go Beijing for a job attachment. Oh I could type out the letter of invitation but I fear that it might infringe copyright or top secret information, or something along those lines. I'll be back in Singapore after my stint in Beijing, around 6th August, and will be staying in Singapore then until 19th August, and I think my sisters will also be flying with me then up to Hongkong. I've got a bigger apartment in Hongkong! Just random information...

And I still haven't said anything sensible. I guess happiness writes white, because all that I can think of is relating myself through the song lyrics which I have chosen. If anyone really cares to find out more about what's going on in my life, just read the lyrics, they should be enough indication as to what's really happening/happened.

Ok so I guess I might as well discuss something at length, since that seems to be the thing that people are really interested in reading. Let's talk about sleep. Sleep is essentially very essential in helping one to go about doing the essential things he must do in his life, if not the quintessential life that he leads may not be as essentially essential. If anyone understood that, tell me, I'd love to know if there was ever anyone who possibly could. Ok basically, sleep is a constant state of motion, constant in this case being non-moving, thereby creating no movement. Simple ain't it? Alright, I'll get straight to the point. Sleep is boring. No debating that. Oh right, perhaps we could talk about boredom. That is truly the definition of a boring topic. But I digress. Wait, I don't. This is my train of thoughts. Can't you see it, just right there, I have progressed from the topic of sleep to the topic of boredom. amazing linkage. Goodnight.

Hey There Delilah

2007-07-04T21:00:00.000+08:00

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Come What May

2007-07-02T11:04:00.000+08:00

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

stupid me

2007-06-29T13:51:00.000+08:00

I've gone and lost my passport, somehow. Second time I have to apply for a replacement passport, the first time I had somehow left it inside my jean's pocket and it found its way through the washing machine and back to me, not exactly in the pristine condition it originally was. So that was the death of my first passport, then I received my second passport, the way cool biometric passport, which allows me to pass through the Singapore customs by simply scanning the page, and then giving my thumbprint, and voila, I'm through. Yes clearly living in Hongkong allows me to attempt this a number of times. Yes, that was my second passport, and it was my life. Now I've lost it. Somehow, somewhere. This is somewhat puzzling for me (great understatement), because I don't even know when or how it even disappeared. It just did. Somebody kill me please. I hate doing stuff like this to myself, because somehow my parents will then look at me and be even more disappointed with me than before, which I really don't want to happen. The problem is that it's not that easy. Hopefully I'll be still be able to get my new passport in time to apply for my china visa and get a plane ticket in time, so that I can fly off by the end of next week to Beijing for a job attachment at a hotel training academy.

In other news, I suspect the J1's should have finished their midyears by the time anyone reads this. Congrats to you guys, hope for the best eh?

dum de dum. Distractions plague me like dengue. No wait...

:O

2007-06-26T00:50:00.000+08:00

Tuesday
June 26, 2007
12:51 am

come what may

2007-06-25T18:40:00.000+08:00

It's a beautiful day!
Don't let it get away, it's a beautiful day!
Well not so much for the J1's right now,
good luck with the blocks/tests!
It'll be over by the end of the week, jia you!!

:D

2007-06-24T00:50:00.000+08:00

19th june

it ended

2007-06-18T22:27:00.001+08:00

whatever there was to start with.
fwb i guess.

-open for interpretation

way up there

2007-06-16T17:44:00.000+08:00

"i won't forget
the way you're kissing
the feeling so strong
and lasting for so long"

currently suffering a spiritual death.

=/

2007-06-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

funny how one event can suddenly make you seriously reconsider what you firmly believed in just a few days ago.

milestone

2007-06-13T23:28:00.000+08:00

rain falling almost similar to a tv screen gone hazy. the skies were dark, and traffic went by just as normal as it could, and yet not quite. something was different. to say that my emotions were mixed would be inappropriate, it was indescribable. the event which just happened has a drastic irony in it, the pragmatic side of me somehow has disappeared. i dont want to let go of this. i get on the bus, and i feel a certain exhaustion in me suddenly occurring. i yawn, feeling fatigue, happiness, anger and inexplicable feelings surge through me. i know that what i think of now will definitely be gone by the time i reach home to try and write this down. something which many people suddenly will go crazy about, i feel an awkward sense of morbidness, knowing that somehow i had done what i knew i should not have done. and yet, it wasnt that i didnt enjoy it. and just moments later, while on the bus, i felt this certain desire for more. i wasnt ecstatic, it was hardly that. perhaps it was satiation. perhaps, and maybe just perhaps. it was evol.

i keep forgetting

2007-06-10T12:49:00.000+08:00

206 rocks!
thanks dy, havent really kept in touch with you guys, hope everything's going well, and yeah good luck with your exams dudes (:
its been quite a while again since i last blogged, so much has happened, im not even sure how to express myself. i'll be back in singapore 20th june, for about 3 weeks, and then i'll be leaving for beijing, to work. yes, i'll be given different projects to do, one of which is to teach english. most of you probably would never imagine me being a teacher, so you guys probably can guess that i'll be in for some ride... but thats not what worries me most. the place where im working at, my dad's a very respected person. and so is my mum. and so, going by that logic, people over there would expect me to be of somewhat high calibre. pressure...

boo!

2007-05-26T23:50:00.000+08:00

Yes after not having blogged in such a long while, I shall now reveal to everyone that I have been in singapore since thursday! But, I'll be leaving tomorrow... Which isn't a lot of time, but yes happy confirmation to all you sec 4's!!! (:

And yes its been nice catching up with you (:

sudoku

2007-05-11T22:48:00.000+08:00

Yeah that script down there was officially written by me, its been re-edited a little bit to make it slightly more logical. Of course, must credit some of my school members for certain ideas, but i still was the typist. HAHA

So anyway, today ends a really slack week of school. No lessons, mostly lectures about life issues, career talks, visits to mosque and church, finding out my personality type. It's been quite interesting, I've learnt some stuff which i probably never would have at such a young age, so I guess again i can call myself pretty lucky.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying now. Guess I need sleep.

for those devoid of things to occupy their time.

2007-05-08T23:44:00.000+08:00

Scene 1, Location: Café

Piano solo by Mark, music is upbeat with hints of something catastrophic imminent. Mark gets flashbacks of seeing the Femme Fatale (FF) at different places on the street, with and without Samantha. Flashbacks are regularly interval-ed while Mark plays the piano. Just then, she enters the scene and sits down next to Mark, whispers

Play for me.

Mark obliges, even though he does not know who she is. She then starts a duet with him, her hand sliding in between his, and then slowly creeps over and grabs one of his hands. He stops playing, hand quivering. She looks at him, he looks at her, and they gaze at each other

Mark

Who are you?

He takes away his hand, avoiding her eyes. FF gives him her name card, and Mark looks at it. There is a lipstick mark on the card and her number on it. He feels uneasy, and asks her

Mark

What’s this supposed to mean?

Call me…

She smiles and walks away.

Scene 2, Location: Samantha’s apartment

Samantha is in her room, changing position from time to time, lying/sitting on her bed, feeling bored and lonely, playing with her phone.

She then scrolls through her phone list, and calls Mark. She is directed to his mailbox.

The number you have just dialed is now busy. After the beep, please record your message.

She drops the phone on her bed, and walks out of the room; phone shows all the dialed calls to Mark.

Scene 3, Mark’s apartment

He stares at the name card, deliberating whether or not to call FF. He takes out his phone, and as he unlocks the screen, he sees all the missed calls from Samantha. He stares at it, and then deletes all the missed calls, and then dials the numbers to call FF.

Mark

Hello…?

I’ve been expecting you…

Then they meet up late at night, at a pub. They drink and have fun, and the night eventually ends with them dancing at her apartment, a silhouette of their lips slowly coming together. Ongoing voiceover of Mark saying, “One thing led to another, and before long, I had gotten in too deep.”

Scene 4, Location: FF’s apartment

They’ve known each other for a while already, they are sitting on the sofa and relaxing with a glass of wine each. She convinces him to kill her husband.

Honey, do you love me?

Mark

Of course I do!

How much do you love me?

Mark

So much I’d give up my own life for you.

Would you kill a man just for me?

Mark

…

Do you love me?

Mark

Of course I do, its just that…

Then kill him.

Mark contemplates for a while, then forcefully puts down his glass of wine, and rises. Fade out.

Scene 5, Location: FF’s husband’s office

Mark walks into the room, finds FF’s husband. He sees her husband, reaches to his back where his gun is kept, and takes it out. The scene fades out momentarily, gunshots are heard.

When it fades back in, there is blood splattered across Mark’s face. Then, he senses someone else inside the office. He turns around and sees Samantha in the background, slipping down, sobbing uncontrollably. He has no choice but to kill her as well.

[All black and white] Still shots of blood on the wall, Mark opening the door and leaving, Newspaper flash with headlines “Tycoon murdered, Wife inherits millions” with 2 photos of FF and her husband, and the sub headlines below it “Police investigations making large headway”

Scene 6, Location: FF’s apartment

Mark opens his door, finds that the apartment is empty. He sees a note on the table which says, “Well done. You’ve managed to kill someone, that makes you a murderer. I must leave you, I can’t stay around murderers, I’ll get influenced. How could you have been so stupid to think that you could get away with murder? Goodbye…” At the end of the note there is also a lipstick mark, similar to the card she gave him at the start.

Scene 7, Location: Cafe

He is playing the piano again, this time a sad melancholic tune. Police sirens are distinctively heard in the background too. Then, voiceover

Mark

I thought that she was really the one for me. I don’t understand. She left me. Now what do I have? I am a ruined man. Ruined.

Music and my mind

2007-05-08T00:34:00.000+08:00

As usual, I try to update my blog. But I have nothing to update with, my life is, not exactly a bore, but I'm finding it harder to document my thoughts through a medium such as this. Perhaps this is abnormal, perhaps this is maturing, perhaps I am just simply changing. Either way, I have nothing to say.

Or maybe not. Maybe, I could just ramble on randomly, and talk about weird random stuff, like my random self is right now. Alternatively, I could get my work done, or go to sleep, rather than waste time online. And trying to blog. This just isn't working..

sleeping in

2007-05-05T16:47:00.000+08:00

Waking up on a lazy weekend morning and listening to The Postal Service, is probably one of the many luxuries in life that I shouldn't be doing. So refreshing to just sit in my bed and listen to "District Sleeps Alone Tonight", Ben Gibbard's voice fused with the electronica based tune is one of the best things that could ever happen to music (:

Anyway, good luck to everyone having exams now!!

blank

2007-05-03T18:17:00.000+08:00

I want to think of something to say, but my brain is empty.

Spiderman 3

2007-05-02T01:23:00.000+08:00

anyone watched it yet? well go and watch it, its entertaining
although i would say that the plot is bad
but they have one of the most beautiful scenes i've ever seen
and best framing
but slightly offensive to christians
the movie seems to make it look as though God grants the dude his prayers
which is.. not very christian-like
perhaps i'm over analysing
goodnight

the bomb

2007-04-28T15:37:00.001+08:00

Online Videos by Veoh.com

perhaps its true

2007-04-28T00:22:00.000+08:00

Soothing my soul with songs. I guess things are changing. Again I sometimes wonder what is happening to my life, am I going in the right direction, and then I sometimes stop wondering.

Anonymous: hope you don't mind if I tell everyone that you're using the same IP address as GOD. If you really are the same person, which I am assuming to be true, then I must say you have changed quite a lot, and for the better. Thanks for pointing out that I do indeed have a mental disorder, I honestly agree.

`back to wishing the night away

I am overwhelmed

2007-04-22T21:05:00.000+08:00

Is equality good? If we really do what we are always told to do, and if we all are treated the same, is that all really as great as it might seem? If we all were to abide by the law always, would that mean we would have a fixed set of thoughts? Should we actually be allowed an alternative education? Is education really the reason for the way humans think? Is the occasional shining star among the mediocre really the star because of a greater talent, or more hard work? Are these thoughts normal? Am I normal? Do I want to be normal? What do I want to be? Should I just tell my parents I want to be a normal person, with a normal lifestyle, and nothing extravagant or luxurious? Should I stop all these thoughts?

*edit: Another thought, can a square be shaped into a circle, or vice versa?

Where is tomorrow

2007-04-21T11:13:00.000+08:00

Have you ever woken up from a dream, and you think that you're awake, and then you wake up even later, and wonder: Was that a dream? I was in a dream. Then I woke up, or thought I woke up, I even looked at my alarm clock which said 7:28am, and I wake up feeling as though I had just woken up. I'm not sure how to express this...

So I told my dad about it, and then he starts telling me how even if I was awake it wouldn't really make a difference. I'm still dreaming even when I'm awake. I'm simply coasting through life, no purpose or direction, no motivation to do anything. I agree with him. I truly lack the motivation to do anything. (Sidenote, Motivate comes from two words, motive and vate, meaning moving from inside. Which basically means that only you can motivate yourself since it comes from inside you, not outside of you)

It's not fair to my dad if I waste my time here getting an average grade, and being the biggest underachiever. I have to change, the problem is how. I need to find something for me to aim towards. I have to start believing I can do stuff, and making sure I can do stuff. I have to start knowing when to say no to being lazy, and when to be who I should be, achieving what I really can.

Take care of your own shit

2007-04-15T23:05:00.000+08:00

No one is willing to always listen to you whine, no one is willing to always comfort you and make you feel better when you're being stupidly emo, and no one, absolutely no one can always make you happy. Grow up John. Now's the time, childhood is a thing of the past. Feel hate, feel anger, feel insulted, whatever, but its time. Start now.

optimism

2007-04-14T23:09:00.000+08:00

Idealistic? Having a positive outlook? Or just plain simply being foolishly naive? I have nothing to say. Guess I'll just list some songs which have been playing rerun through my head so many times I could have my own mental stereo set. I'm not sure what that means.

The Killers - Read My Mind
Stars - Your Ex-Lover is Dead (currently)
The Killers - All These Things That I Have Done
My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words
The Postal Service - Against All Odds
Good Charlotte - Keep Your Hands Off My Girl
The Postal Service - Sleeping In
Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape
Vega 4 - Life is Beautiful
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go
Rivermaya - You'll be Safe Here

Tagged

2007-04-13T21:57:00.000+08:00

It appears that I have been tagged again, bringing my total count of "tags" to three. Which is no particular number to start at, but I decided that I am currently bored and I should just let the world know how weird I am.

1. I couldn't be bothered to copy the rules of the game.
2. I am weird, because I know that I'm weird, and I don't intend to change my weirdness, because, I am weird.
3. I talk to weird people, which makes me weirder.
4. I don't have a problem with that.
5. I delay my points.

So okay, I'm supposed to tag people after i have finished with my 6 points. But, I decided that by tagging other people, other people who weren't tagged would feel insulted, and everyone would also be able to infer who I usually talk to, therefore, I SHALL NOT TAG ANYONE (:

6. I decided to make this post for people who have truly nothing better to do, because I felt like making something which seemingly reveals a lot but actually reveals absolutely nothing.

beyond sorrow

2007-04-12T18:43:00.000+08:00

dont know where it goes
but its only me
and i walk alone

if this keeps up
i might be able to get my personal space
along with many other people
stacked up on shelves
in ashes...

i feel the friendship slipping

2007-04-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

where'd you go?
i miss you so
seems like its been forever
that you've been gone

not exactly to that extreme or context
but fitting enough
why is this friendship falling apart!
you're hardly the person i knew
why do people only talk to me when they have problems/are emo

Today

2007-04-03T02:40:00.000+08:00

Well, I suppose I shall carry on with trying to make my entries formal. If it fails to serve its purpose of impressing people with my not-so great English skills, it should at least help me improve my aforementioned not-so great English skills. So once again, I have woken up at a time that would never have even dreamt of waking up before, though theoratically, I can't dream of waking up. That's like, being in inside a car subconscious and thinking of getting out of the car. I'm not sure if that analogy is accurate but if ever, I personally think its slightly humorous. Regardless, today has been slightly uninteresting, and wholly boring. Rather, unproductive. Absolutely unproductive, and absolutely unfulfilling. I have not touched a single piece of homework today, and I woke up so late, I should be ashamed of myself. I have the excuse that its the holidays, but really now, what are holidays really about? Are holidays really about resting and enjoyment? Or, are holidays actually specially crafted and designed by I don't know who to give us a certain sense of false security, when in fact we are expected by the teachers and the government to constantly improve ourself, to study harder. See, thats why they invented things like summer school. To persuade that conscience in you to make yourself a better person by going for summer school! Clearly, I need sleep. Goodnight people.

It has been a while

2007-04-01T03:02:00.000+08:00

By request of Jolenta, I am currently writing this as a formal entry, without an excessive use of exclamation marks or incomplete sentences, and even start my sentences with a capital letter. Quite the achievement I believe. So yes, back to my resurrection from my pseudo death that I have been undergoing throughout the past week that has caused me to not update my blog, or if you will my online diary, or web log. I have been faced with 3 drama performances, which I was involved in only because I chose to take drama extended as a subject, a choice which i dearly regretted in the past week, most especially when doing my Development Work, which essentially is a compilation of all my reflections and other scribblings to show that I have been developing as a drama extended student. it is precisely for this reason that I have felt so strongly against drama extended. Regardless, it is currently the easter holidays, and so for those who don't know what that means, I will have a week of school holidays next week. Be jealous all you people!

So yes, I was just thinking about humans. What a disgraceful, ugly, disgusting, stupid and absolutely revolting species of mammals on this earth. Humans are crudely put, quite the idiots of this earth that we live in. We terrorise the world, rob it of the valuable resources, and yet still claim to be the smartest, the greatest, and the best. How stupid.

Alright, now that I have got that bit out of my arteries, veins, capillaries, I shall pen down my ponders here. I was in the process of processing the thoughts of why it is that humans tend to focus on the negative, rather than the positive. Why is it that even when things are going really well, the moment one thing that is even vaguely negative is the focus of the subject, and not the full happiness that people have been living through? Oh and by the way, if you haven't already done so, try to watch the movie "Persuit of Happyness", yes its spelt that way for a reason. Go watch it on a DVD if it isnt screening in the cinemas. I am quite sure it will help you to take a second look at your life and realise how lucky you really are. How much worse things could possibly get. Shan't spoil the story for those who have not watched it here, so please go watch it, you will enjoy it.

Anyhow, its 3:30am, I have probably failed in trying to write eloquently, and therefore, off to sleep I go, slumberland awaits, and maybe when I wake up a more sober person will be lying in my bed rather than that person who has a hangover without getting drunk the previous night.

thanks all! <3

2007-03-24T08:45:00.000+08:00

yeahh thanks to everyone for all the birthday wishes
and hugs and songs and cake! (:
birthday this year was just simply beautiful. thanks everyone! :D

............

2007-03-22T20:48:00.000+08:00

so the emoness in me finally came out in full force today. yes, was so emo that i felt like just breaking down, co-incidentally right before my rugby game. clearly, being alone the day before my birthday is not something which i have done and im not coping very well. i miss my life back in singapore, and its killing me right now to know that there wont actually be anyone around when it strikes midnight. maybe im just thinking too much, perhaps sleep is what i really need. dad is currently in jakarta, so im home alone in hongkong. strangely, even though this isnt the first time that im home alone, im feeling that loneliness more than i would have previously. maybe its cuz its my birthday tmr, and all the people i call friends are back in singapore. and im stuck in hongkong. sigh, maybe emo isnt that bad after all. i dont have anything to bother me right now, which isnt really a good thing, but i guess i shall think of something. sigh...

all i want
is someone to pull me out
im stuck in a traffic jam..
with nowhere to run
for miles...

bleed

2007-03-21T21:16:00.000+08:00

i see the darkness
its beckoning
glory? there is no mercy with glory
all is but a facade
eventually, the primitive weakness will outdo the reigning madness
there is no quiet
there is only hatred
the love is lost
henceforth, all the ends of the earth are doomed.

***********************************

feelings failing
seasons sending
tender timing
ever ending
close the curtain
shut the stonecave
latch the lighter
down the dishes
where have all the roses gone?
they're black, as black, as the rose of hell
it screams, it pines, it calls for its home
but home is not where it belongs
among the mortals
amongst all men
it dwells within
the present tense
so shield your heart
divide your soul
and maybe, u just might lose control.

TGIF

2007-03-17T00:02:00.000+08:00

finally its the weekend. man i have never been so happy that its friday in singapore, but that could partly be due to the fact that i had scouts. what a nice thing to look forward to. lol...

oh well, this week has been pretty crazy. sleeping odder hours than i ever have in my life (except maybe scout camps), and all sorts of weird things going through my mind.

drama rehearsal tmr, lines lines lines. trindle better not have anything more to say. hahaha

i realised that my style of blogging is getting more random. good or bad? well i know that i havent posted anything even remotely intellectual for a while, but then again, do i ever?

so yes, goodnight to anyone who still visits this. haha

i just woke up!

2007-03-14T03:34:00.000+08:00

and i slept at.. 9pm
hahaha

on another note, jolenta's in hongkong!
whee haha yes this is getting better (:

and almost all my work is done once i finish gmo essay
sweeeeet

plus, i just bought a sugar ray cd ytd for...
hk$20!!
which if u didnt know, is S$4!!
hahaha nice

don't shoot the person next to you
you never know when he will

edit: 6:15am - check THIS out
hoping it happens (:
then Asia will reign supreme! muahahahaha

note to self: need to stop editting this post so many times.
and, u should shut down the computer around now
school yes?

disturbing

2007-03-08T01:25:00.000+08:00

something is seriously distracting me
and its not good.
i never was like this
and so many things are confusing me now
do i need love?
who needs love
i need to get my work done but i dont know how
im irritated with everyone and no one
i might be going crazy
and im losing myself
and God
vulnerability.....

something's not right

2007-03-04T02:29:00.000+08:00

i cant concentrate
something is distracting me
badly
i need to finish my work
desperately...

help

but if you feel like leaving, im not gonna make you stay

2007-03-04T00:49:00.000+08:00

oh man second post in less than an hour. im feeling slightly weird now. i dont wanna label it as emo. listening to that song down below is really making me think about stuff. i dont want to, i have work to do. shut up mind.

i need to think of a solution to all this.

in the mean time, im gonna force myself not to sleep until im done with question 1 and 2 for history, which means that im probably not gonna sleep.

delusion again. oh well....

you can run
you can hide
but you can't escape my love.

nostalgia

2007-03-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

song which i recently rediscovered.
simply amazing...
i really love it
and so many other songs
been finding more recently

on another note, hello GOD. seems like u found my blog. well all i have to say is, have fun in whatever jc you're in. im in hk now. so it doesnt really matter. oh and just a request, please if u could be like more polite here than u were previously. thanks.

good times

2007-02-26T23:05:00.000+08:00

a picture says a thousand words.
go figure.
singapore holds one place in my heart that will never be removed.

http://good-times.webshots.com/album/557876985hepYhF

its been a while

2007-02-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

ok so i havent updated in at least a week.
im back in singapore now
and i have sorta met up with almost everyone i want to
except maybe... hmm
im not too sure either
oh well, i love singapore
alot
as much as i might have twisted all those national songs
this is home truly
it just somehow is true
and thats something you only realise when u actually leave singapore
singapore pride
hahaha, man pap sure will be proud of me
and its not even national day yet

so yes tried to crash cjc today
which turned out to be abit of a disaster
went to cjc, borrowed roderick's shirt to try and blend into the crowd
and so met all the sji people who joined odac
and they told me to go see mr tan the vp to inform him that i am gonna be visiting
just to be safer
so i walk around cjc, shock quite alot of people
hahaha
and then during assembly rod brings me to see mr tan
who tells me to go and wait outside the admin office
so i go and do that
*
and eventually when return to the office he tells me to wait for him
and then finally after ignoring me for quite a while,
condescends to come out of his office and talk to me
"what is your name?"
"john isaac lee. john. john lee. i was actually posted to cjc for the first 3 months"
"let me go check..."
"group 13"
so mr tan goes into his office and after another prolonged wait he comes back out
"john isaac lee... i remember you. you didnt turn up on the first day of school, and we even called your home phone to ask if you were coming"
"i wasnt very sure of what i was gonna be doing, and i wasnt sure what my parents were thinking of doing"
"but its basic courtesy to at least give a call that you wont be turning up, to at least inform us. so why are you here today?"
"err i would like to just visit cjc for one day"
"why?"
"err i would like to get to experience jc life?"
"for who?"
"myself?!"
"why? one day of jc life wont be enough for you to know what jc life really is like. if u really wanted to you should have come at the start of the term"
"ok, so what do you propose i do"
"i propose that you take of that cjc shirt you're wearing, you're not even a student here, and return it to me"
"yes ok i'll do that and try and leave as soon as possible..."
that was basically what our conversation was like, so essentially he was telling me to get out of cjc. but i actually had no problems, wasnt really expecting very much, but im just hoping that i didnt get any of my other friends into trouble because of this.

so anyway, after i leave cjc, i decide to go visit sji, seeing that i missed it that time when i went back to get my results. and then i got to meet all my teachers, and yes im proud of myself, mdm lily kwang actually said my chinese is very fluent!!! yes i rock lol. haha, and yeah was just so great to meet up with all my other sec 4 teachers, telling them about my marks and chatting about other stuff. ooo edmond has a gf? scandalous. hahaha.. and catching up with all my juniors in scouts. at least i dont feel like i actually didnt accomplish anything in my last year of sji now. seeing that i was not in a single photo apart from class and cca photo in the josephian annual.. that really got me thinking about how much i had actually accomplished in my last year in sji. but i am contented with what i have done. especially in scouts. those thoughts on stepping down day about me not having trained the sec 3 batch enough now all seems rather pointless. they do seem to be managing rather well on their own. and there's a new female scout teacher! haha sji has changed. but memories will remain with all of us forever. SJI, I SALUTE MY ALMA MATER. rock on man

so yes then basically it was my older sister's birthday today so...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONST! :D
haha goodnight everyone.

V DAY

2007-02-14T23:31:00.000+08:00

oh my goodness. how my sisters have changed. its amazing, not necessarily in a good way. the way i see things, one of them is gonna turn into, or already is, a flirt, the other is a potential lesbian. oh my gosh. what happened... ok so maybe im just being a prick.

so anyway. VALENTINES DAY. haha, its more interesting in a mixed school, so much to say, but i need sleep. so yes, shall try and blog about it soon. i know i am liked!! heh.

COMING BACK HOME SOON

what i really wanted to say.

2007-02-11T20:44:00.000+08:00

so ok, now that im feeling more in touch with myself, which i wasnt yesterday, i think i'll go through what i really wanted to say.

i got 12 points L1R5 for o levels. which i really really didnt expect, except a few hours before my sis actually messaged me my results, that i started wondering: what if. what if, and maybe, just maybe, i might not be to get 6 points, or worse, below ten. and so i wondered to myself on the way home, and my dad calls me just when i get home, asking me whether my mum has sent me my results, and the tone of his voice says it all. and then i see that message. and i just screamed fuck. i just couldnt, and didnt want to hold back. i really could not believe it. it was.. totally unexpected. on the bus on the way home, i had told myself, that if i didnt get below ten, i wouldnt go to the dance. and so my dad calls me, asks me what im gonna do, and i tell him that i dont feel like going for the dance. so he tells me, take the ferry out, and then from there see what i want to do. so i bath, and the song "so far away" by staind suddenly hits me. i just had to download it, to drown myself in on the ferry to central. and in the process of all that downloading, i forget about my dad's shoes which he asked me to bring.

i reach the ferry point, seeing my dad, and then i realise that he has a blister. and i forgot his shoes for him. how stupid i felt. and then as mentioned earlier, we had a chat. and then i realised just how obvious it really was that i was not going to actually get below ten, let alone 6. the amount of effort wasnt exactly very significant in affecting how well i was to do. it was simply my level of thinking. i was merely cruising through life, and im not even sure if i have stopped at this point of time. come to think of it, in my sec four life, i studied hardest for my mid years, and then my prelims, and oddly my o levels itself. and the conversatin with my dad really let me realise a few things. that one, they sent me to hongkong because they knew that i wasnt gonna make it below ten, they knew that as much as i hoped, it was really quite impossible, and in fact, they had saved me from the mediocrity of being in a mediocre junior college. when my dad told me that if i really did get 6 points for o levels, he would reconsider sending me back to singapore, and when he first said that i didnt believe it. but now, looking back, i do believe that he might actually make good his word. but he knew that i was not going to be able to get myself out of the rut i was in, and again, my parents bailed me out. my results were pretty much determined with the quality of studying and the quality of my thinking. now, fate somehow seems to make some sense.

and then i realised something else. my phone. i had actually used it as a bargaining tool with my dad, that if i get below ten for o levels, he would actually get me the k800. and he got it for me before my results came, so i thought that he really trusted that i would get below ten, or something like that. turns out that he already thought it through, he never expected me to get below ten, and because of that, he got me the phone before the results came out. why? he then explained to me. to serve as some kind of perverse reminder that i, john isaac lee, had not yet earned what i have, and that i have to keep at it. truly indeed, my parents are smart, and i really, really should have listened to them.

so now what? ultimately, my o level results dont affect my entrance into year 12 for the ibdp, so, i guess i still have another chance. what do i want in 2 years time? do i want to repeat that conversation with my dad? no. change. its a word which many of us, in fact all of us, are constantly using. change. for the better.

i got a 12.

2007-02-10T23:03:00.000+08:00

"love is watching, someone die"

if anyone was wondering. so i was wondering, where did i go wrong. and then i had a nice chat with my dad, which was suddenly dejavu, i had the same type of conversation with him four years ago, after my psle. we went to ghih moh, and then i remember being in the car, crying my eyes out, feeling totally like crap. that was then. so now, four years on, it seems almost as if nothing changed. i still do disappointingly. if you're reading this, please dont tag and say that 12 is good or anything like that, tag about something else. like how blue the sky is.

so again i have stuff which i need to change. and im almost afraid to tell myself to do it. afraid that again, what i did was totally in vain. but i have got to change. just like my dad says, i will one day wakeup and realise what it really means. but when that comes, no one knows, and hopefully, it will come when its not too late.

-be more precise.
-be more firm.

i lost alot of what i really wanted to say, after going through today. but i guess thats all i have to say, 12 is 12. its a reality. so i guess thats that.

"so who's gonna watch you die.."

IT ENDS TOMORROW

2007-02-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

O LEVEL RESULTS. GOSH I AM SO SCARED
I REALLY REALLY HOPE THAT I GET AT LEAST BELOW TEN
ITS SO DARN SCARY
SHIVER...

keeping it alive

2007-02-06T16:49:00.000+08:00

my blog that is. aww carp im feeling tired, back aching quite abit. hmm rugby...

alright. i tried following those stuff. for a few seconds. and then life went on the same way. not gonna go much more into detail...

i need to sleep earlier. sleep early = more energy the next day + not feel tired. i say thats a brilliant idea. goodnight.

reflecting

2007-02-02T17:25:00.000+08:00

been thinking. just like, about my life.
not emo-ing.
just.. thinking.
and reflecting.
i just realised, that growing up is not exactly easier than growing up
in fact, it is kinda tough
alot more would be expected of me than i am right now
im really lazy, i already have started being lazy in school, not completing homework
and yesterday was quite interesting for me personally
there was a history discussion in class
so we were basically supposed to discuss over whether the government should have the right to take away our civil liberties sometimes
and i didnt actually think of any arguments
so i was pretty much silent
except for 2 occasions, and the point i made in both times contradicted each other
which just shows that im not even sure of my stand
and i was identified by my history teacher as one of the quieter ones
i heard what she said, but im only thinking about it right now
do i actually have what it takes to be a lawyer?
i tried thinking why i was so quiet
and i realised it also had to do with my own confidence and self esteem
and it then led me to think about my dark past
well not really dark
but its a past im not very proud of, and if possible would want to forget it
being teased about how i smell, how irritating i am, then being teased about how easily i cry, and other stuff
and then i saw that there was always someone there who would shield me
my mum
and so now, its life without my mum, here in hongkong
its quiet definitely
no one who will really nag at me to get my work done
which is more peaceful
but it also means that i have to really take charge of my life
been wasting quite alot of my afternoons doing nothing, or rather trying to do work and failing
and i realised that i also have another huge problem
concentrating on my work
one thing which i really lack is focus
i cant seem to be able to sit down and finish my work without thinking of other stuff, or without trying to do something else.
basically without being distracted easily
which makes that quite alot of problems that im facing that i have to change
confidence, concentration, commitment.
my 3 Cs.
so ok, i have identified my problems
now to work out the how.
how should i go about doing this?
im lost.
i dont know what to do.
and one other thing which was really my own choice, that i refused
God
or, God in my life
even though it may be harder to follow my religion here
it still is possible
and i chose not to
i miss smota.
i miss those times of being a kid
but its over
i have to get serious. conquer my 3 Cs.
CONFIDENCE
CONCENTRATION
COMMITMENT

where we left off

2007-02-01T19:58:00.000+08:00

alrighty, just a quick update. all my attempts to TRY and exercise in the past few days has been, how shall we say it. non-existent would be the exact term. and i bought chips to eat today, and i finished one whole 142g bag all by myself! :O tut tut, im disappointed with myself

which brings me to another event. watched an anger management video in class today. stress is like a stack of tinder. stress causes anger, and all it needs is a trigger thought! time out! learn to control. think happy thoughts! dont let it get the better of you!

am currently made to eat my words right now. argh, cant believe it, its only been a month, and already __ is like **. if u dont understand what im saying and want to know, talk to me on msn. oh and i will only be online from 10-11pm eveyday! hopefully.

Concoction
Capture the moment
in a window pane
Confront your desire
lest it drive you insane.

AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SONG.

NEW PHONE

2007-01-30T18:46:00.000+08:00

new phone in new blogger! how amazing. ok anyway, its the new, sony ericsson, K800i! you know, that one with the best camera functions. ooo im so excited! my previous phone was a samsung, which was i think 3 or 4 years old, which was at $0 with the plan. u know one of those cheap phones, with only sms, mms and basic phone functions (it had a camera, which spoilt -.-) and so an upgrade to this phone is like WOAH. totally amazing, it doesnt feel like my phone. its like its been borrowed! oh man, ok, enough about all that...

so yup, took photos of discovery bay, where im staying at right now, with the K800i! check it out here.

so ok quick update about my life (for those who care/bother/toodamnedbored). just about completed 1 month's stay here already, so i guess im pretty much settled in already. i will not be going back to collect my o level results cuz i still have school here, so i guess my mum/sisters might be getting it, or im gonna leave it rotting in the admin office. haha, but i will be back for chinese new year, flying back on the 16th, will touch down at night, and will be leaving on the 25th. im hoping that i get 6 points for o levels.. which if i recall isnt promising, but i guess i'll just see how things turn out. and im really really hoping that i get below 10 so that i can at least keep my phone (it was a bargain with my dad, i get below 10, i get the phone, but he bought it earlier for some reason). so yeah guess what happens happens, life is gonna go on pretty much the same here anyway. and erm, might be joining rugby here. haha, 4 years of scouting life.. man, i will always remember what alfred nathan said to me when i was in sec 1, dont join scouts lah, everytime after they leave sji than they join rugby, always to impress the girls (or something along that line) and i remember thinking nvm, i'll be happy in scouts , maybe better. well. did things turn out the way i naively thought it would? who knows. whatever it is, im feeling quite sad for the venture and scout unit right now. its not exactly doing well from what i understand, and im thinking that right now if i was actually in singapore i would be in ventures. i just feel a certain obligation. but yeah, not gonna happen..

alright, must get fit! HAHA :D

i need new music

2007-01-28T17:17:00.000+08:00

well i need to find a new type of music to listen to. haha, im moving on from emo, but will always love dashboard confessional. any recommendations, please tag! dont care who you are, just tag! even if you're, erm, the blogger dude who's doing a spot check to make sure this isnt a spam blog, please tag! thank you! ahahaha.

nonsense. ok i had no school on friday! heh, and so i had a fair load of work to do if it was done over the three days. but stupid me decided ok lets take a breather on friday, so hardly anything done then. saturday came! and i.. slacked. so today is sunday, i suddenly realised that i have a thousand and one things to do for homework, and its not done! gosh, work work. so i have to try and squeeeeeeze as much as i can done today, i think im not gonna be doing drama, i still havent finished my stupid book, touching the void, (its not a stupid book, just seems like a burden after watching the movie), and i have science, history, math which i still need to get completed! rushhh...

well, to anyone who is reading this, starlight by muse is a nice song! well i never really liked muse, cuz of their hit single, massive black hole, which was compared to britney spears' do something, so that put me off. haha, but i have to admit muse is quite a good band.

alrighty, back to work
WOKAY
HOKAY -CS

oh and for some reason i have taken a liking to appearing offline. work must be done! so much to do, so much to see, so whats wrong if you dont see me. heh

suddenly

2007-01-24T18:40:00.000+08:00

now i see. why emo poems just arent meant for everyone to read and comments. its simply cuz its MY emo poem, not anyone else. just the same way, i read other people's emo poems, and i go on with my own life. cuz emo poems are just meant to be personal. revalation..

ok, so im sorta going up and down on the emo-meter (i just came up with that name!). but i gotta tell myself that this isnt out of my control, i can do something about it. take the choice. do what you want. smile (:

btw, if anyone of u guys are wondering what that catchy song on the nokia commercial is, its digital love by daft punk. kinda catchy, and its not getting out of my head. enough of emo music, have a listen to daft punk! [yes nette, it seems that i am a daft punk now. hahaha] and they have this whole anime series for their songs on their album Discovery, so if you're curious go youtube and type interstella 5555. i guess what makes the anime really infectious is the music itself. but if it isnt your cup of tea, dont blame me! just take it as another brainless moment in your life.

ok, so it seems that things are slowly changing. gotta stop acting and thinking like a kid soon. as in seriously soon. even though i hate the adult world (can you say hypocrites?), i guess this is really time for me to grow up. things arent gonna change if i run away from reality.

so long, and goodnight

2007-01-17T18:13:00.000+08:00

a poem which i penned down in science class. i think its nice..

Climbing a Broken Window
The rain played his part
You stole my heart
She wore her smile
He walked the green mile
We ran out far
They formed a scar
Their tears fell dry
Our fires turned to sighs
His body crumbled within
Her confession of her sin
Your life and your love
The sun and the dove.

hk is now warmer, but it started raining again today so its freezing right now. again, i ended up doing something which i didnt want to. do i feel guilt? right now, no. why? because at least i tried. tried to do something to change the rut im in. did it help? i tried.

chinese new year. im looking forward to it.

i wish i was happy

2007-01-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

and not sad.

myrh is mine, its bitter perfume
breathes a life, of gathering gloom
sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
sealed in a stone cold tomb

i am stupid

2007-01-10T23:55:00.000+08:00

its a truth. today has been a pretty stupid day, stupid referring to me.
a week has passed since i entered cis
and im feeling darned stupid already
gosh..
i really am stupid
stop the ranting
goodnight

HK IS COLD

2007-01-09T19:58:00.000+08:00

man how many more times am i gonna say that. but seriously, its freaking cold. i cant take it. its been hovering around 10 degrees these days, and after coming from singapore, i cant take it. and i heard its minus 3 degrees in uk. and its not even snowing! like wth, that kind of temperature and no snow?! thats a total rip off! if u wanna go to a country with a cold winter, MAKE SURE THERE'S SNOW. yup..

ok, so im pretty much gettig used to my new school, which is kinda fun, but its very different. and today was the first time i saw any teacher say anything negative to the students (other than my history teacher), which was pretty surprising, but i guess i should have expected it. and well, im still getting the hang of the place, getting to know people. im really bad at names, so i cant seem to be able to remember everyone's yet, so people talk to me and i dont even know their names =X so embarassing. and everyone seems to be kinda jealous that i dont have to do personal project, but i can understand why.. so yeah well, guess thats that. now to seriously try and understand what im supposed to do when researching about an educational toy.

hongkong holding

2007-01-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

hmm. havent updated in a while
well, things in hongkong are pretty cool
the temperature is 10 degrees
and me being a singaporean living around the equator is not used to this cold climate.
went for 2 days of school already
people are friendly.
thats one good thing.
and the teachers are also quite nice, crazy too.
i have comcluded that good history teachres (e.g. my sji hist teacher and current one) are loud, crazy, but but, good.
haha
im not feeling very good right now
is it my stomach?
guilt perhaps.
i dont know
im doing things that i dont want to, or i know i shouldnt be doing
bleargh, i sort of regret my decision to come to hongkong.
well not my decision, my agreement.
not so much that i hate hongkong. i got over that. it seems kinda acceptable since school is sort of fun.
its more of what im missing back in singapore.
i miss being able to go to church so conveniently, and always being able to find people to go with on sundays.
i miss my room in singapore
i miss the hot weather
i miss the life i left back there
the good old days
kuching, carolling, having fun
ouch.

-God, i dont want to distance myself from you. please, i need your help, please help me back to You-

pain.hurt.reality.love.lacking.

2006-12-31T23:04:00.000+08:00

i am in hongkong.
the weather is cold.
my morale is low.
reality is creeping in right now.
kuching seems totally magical already.
i'm in agony thinking about it.

i'm not gonna reflect about my life any more. it hurts too much. a huge hole is left in my heart right now, or rather my heart is left back in singapore. i dont want to face up to the reality that i really am in hongkong right now. and will be for another 2 and a half years. pain is the only emotion which i am capable of feeling right now. im trying to run away from it now. call it escapism or whatever, im feeling pained.

i wanna thank all the people who came to send me off yesterday. im really really touched by all your actions, i never expected so many people to come. it was overwhelming. oh crap, im already feeling the pain again. chin hao, marcus, justin, cheryl, jolenta, val, valtan, marianne, kelly, joanne, jerell, rod, deyong, zhaoloong, and the chia family. thank you all so much.

happy new year all.

last train home.

2006-12-29T23:51:00.000+08:00

and i guess that pretty much ended my time in singapore as a civilian. questions about whether i am prepared have surfaced. well i guess even if im not prepared, i dont have a choice. put aside my feelings, and just enjoying my last night here in singapore. its been nice talking to you jeanette! haha.

and so yes, i depart from singapore tomorrow morning, 11:35am. perhaps i shall depart with a poem...

Arrival
Take off the runway
Put on your coat
The plane leaves Singapore
At a quarter to 2.
Brace yourself for a soothing departure
As you leave the shores for stormy weather
Dark clouds may pass and trail behind
But God shall lead the way
Till safe and benign.

the painless smile

2006-12-28T22:18:00.000+08:00

these past 2 days have been pretty amazing. yesterday went out with marcus, chinhao, val, cheryl. watched curse of the golden flower, and managed to convince val that it was a horror show. it is if u think about it. all that blood and gore. played pool after that. im not bad for a beginner! haha. after that went to church, stoned around in youth office for a while, then went to st clare's hall to have the dinner. haha our table won 2 boxes of chocolates! heh. more lame fun after the dinner, playing who what huh, hand game and doing other lame stuff. hahaha. overall it was quite a fun day, even though we didnt have as much fun as promised, right marianne? haha.

today woke up early, like 7:45am. man, cant understand why i set my alarm so early. wanted to cut my hair but the barber was closed. gonna do that tomorrow, whatever it takes. haha, so after going to the barber i bid my last farewell to st mary's of the angels (actually that might be tomorrow). then went to play lan! last scout outing before we all break off? haha or at least when im with them. won 2, lost 1. after that the rest of them went to watch movie, i went for the 206 barbeque. pretty much played warcraft and ps until we started the bbq. sausages, fishballs, satay, fish, otah.. haha that was quite alot of food. im so full now, haha..

and i was really really moved by what they did after that. when i said that i was gonna leave soon, they went into a frenzy and started putting candles along the walkway, then they flanked the sides and lit sparklers as i walked past. and outside the game was the message, in flames, created using lighter gel "206 4EVA BYE JI". im really really thankful that these people do actually regard me as such a friend, worth all that effort. grateful that these were the same people who tolerated my nonsence in sec 1 and 2, have taken the trouble to arrange this grand a send off. i'll really miss these friends i made, will never forget 206'04. indeed, 206 4EVA!

and my flight is at 11:35am, terminal one. i'll be reaching there around 9:30am, so yes to whoever wanted that info. thank you all =)

nostalgia

2006-12-24T18:15:00.000+08:00

well in lieu of the fact that im am pre-occupied with pretty much nothing, i have decided to recap my mad (or actually rather tame) adventures of secondary school life.

lets see.. sec 1. wow, such a long time ago. 4 years. still remember coming to school and being dropped off by mum and dad, having no one to talk to, except for jonathan david i think. coming from henry park primary, which is nto a mission school, i wasnt really familar with many people. so then i got posted to 106. our form teacher was mr alvin chua, but because he had injured himself or something like that, he couldnt make it for the first few weeks of school and so mdm lee pick siew took over him. haha she put jing han in charge because they knew each other, or something like that. i was surprisingly the naughtiest kid there, doing all sorts of stupid stuff before mr alvin chua came. i remember once when our bio teacher, mrs seah, asked who is the naughtiest kid in class, my name was shouted out. haha.. but for some reason it stopped after mr chua came. hmm, intimidated maybe? no idea. but yeah sec 1 life was, how should i say it, i dont have very many other memories of it, sadly. but if im not mistaken i think i was basically drifting through sec 1, enjoying when i could, and stoning a fair bit, and studying sometimes. results werent ever sterling. sec 1 was more or less me cruising through life without anything significant. oh yes! how could i forget. i joined scouts, and legion of mary, morning prasedium, our lady of good council. i was more or less a sleeping member in legion, and in scouts amazingly i got best sec 1. no idea how i did it. i dont think i "sucked up", i dont remember hanging around seniors unlike specific individuals. so yeah ap was quite an experience for a sec 1, only me, marcus and trent made it. then in december there was national patrol camp. me, gabriel, darrick, sean, viknesh, zong bing, shi yan, shaun. and we got a GOLD. could not possibly have happened if not for viknesh's constant pushing us. actually not just viknesh, all of the seniors. so the year pretty much ended with me getting an eye opener in scouts through the competition.

sec 2, wow, that was quite a year. i managed to buy warcraft 3, battlechest. which pretty much meant that i spent the whole of term 1 playing my eyes out, which eventually led to me doing badly for common tests. term 2, sort of studied abit more, though it still didnt have very much effect. i was, if i recall, in danger of being kicked out. or at least thats the way my mum saw it. term 3, i was involved in national scoutcraft pioneering competition, bridge team. we had a reputation to upkeep, sji had won the championship for bridge at that time i think, so there was alot of pressure on us. the sad thing is that we never actually tested the full bridge structure until the day itself, so there was quite a few problems which popped up, and eventually we couldnt even get it up for usage by the public. that was really a shame, but yeah can only blame ourselves. last parts of sec 2 was basically me trying to rush for time, trying to study as much as i could to scrape through sec 2. i got posted to 325 (surprise for some people eh), but managed to appeal into 323. and i missed ace camp. i had everything packed, i went to school and everything, and then they sent me home. because i was sick. darn.. would have loved to go. apart from school, i also went for an adam khoo workshop in march, which for a brief period of time, i did actually feel motivated to study. then i dont know why, i went into a rut shortly after. i wasnt accepted by all my classmates, mainly due to the fact that i was very irritating at that time. i dont deny it. and i did get into alot of fights with samuel tee. haha.. but yeah i did actually feel suicidal at one point of time. well not exactly suicidal as in razor blades or jumping off, but i just wanted to end it all. but thanks to rick, i did manage to realise that there was something wrong with what i wanted to do, and changed. dad left to work in hong kong too, and that changed me quite abit too. gradually i changed for the better, and was finally accepted by 206. late, but better late then never i guess.

sec 3, thats when things really started changing. 323 was quite a nice class i guess, all of us were smart. honestly. just lazy, or maybe just no attitude to work, or just dont care where they end up. but no one was there because they were stupid. oh i was chosen as prayer leader. hmm.. so yeah, sec 3 was the year when we start to take over leadership positions, scouts, legion.. so yes pltc was, interestingly not as tough as i expected it to be. but i think we still got the message, to lead the unit. then there was lltc, which also helped us find our bearing as a leader of ccas in sji. so yup there was speeches, interviews and stuff. and i asked for top 3. and i got patrol leader. sigh.. i just thought that maybe i should at least be recognised for the efforts which i had put into scouts, but on hindsight i do agree with their choice. i was still immature, and i wasnt a clear cut leader, whereas shih hoong, trent and karjun had that in them. still i definitely felt sore about it. but i eventually learnt to live with it, just the same way i learnt to live without being a psl in sec 2. oh and there was eurojam! man, that was really the best camp i have ever ever been to, i had so so much fun there. got to meet new people, and all sorts of stuff there. started to discover the other gender (yes i know it took a while), which made me look quite abit like a girl crazy fool. oh well, at least u had fun, dont think shih hoong did.. haha. then there was npc again in sec 3. the team was shih hoong, trent, karjun, me, lu zhi, matthew koo, shaun, shannon. major problems, and there was also a huge difference going as a sec 3 and a sec 1. shih hoong then broke his arm, and pulled out, leaving us in a fix, because we were really short of men. thankfully chinhao managed to cancel his ipoh trip, and joined us for npc. well from a gold in 2003, we dropped to a silver. by a very narrow margin i think. but yes a gold is a gold, a silver silver. disappointing i guess..

sec 4. the year i finally started living life. became more aware of the things happening. in scouts, i was patrol leader of leopard, and level trainer of the sec 3 batch. taking charge of the sec 3 batch was not an easy task, it was almost a one man job for me. i tried. i really was committed to it. studies wise, i was still kinda slack at the start of the year. in church we had pastoral attachment, and after that we would hang around the cathecist office. and i met.her. at that time, being the loner i was, i knew hardly anyone of the opposite sex (no kidding), and i guess i got ahead of myself. thought too much of little gestures, and i got carried away.. then i realised that she was attached. or at least said she was. i was crushed, but i should have read the signs. looking back, if there was anything that i could change, it would be to have slowed things down and actually looked at things perspectively. suddenly incomplete by backstreet boys made sense. many people told me to forget about it, and just concentrate on my work. so yes thats basically what i did.. which propelled me to get first in class. i did manage to actually forget about her. but then again, it was hardly anything. i didnt even get into a relationship or anything.. and yet. then stupid me, got attracted to someone else in my tution class. but i quickly realised that that person wasnt exactly meant to be with me. and i basically drifted along in sec 4 life, doing pretty much nothing but mug. and mug. and then came confirmation camp. and the flame which was once lost was rekindled. so again i got ahead of myself, but was too cowardly to do anything. so i just watched from the sideline. but at least i got to know more people in church. sadly, just when everyone in our batch actually felt like going to church, there wasnt any more classes. the week after that was our confirmation, which was quite.. sad. haha. confirmation changed my life abit. started talking to God again, though somehow i never seem to be able to maintain such a relationship with him, and i drifted away again. then came stepping down in scouts. handed over my green lanyard to ibrahim. my last ap. right marker. scouts. one of my best and worst decisions in sji. the returns for the amount of effort i put in just wasnt worth it. and yet, eurojam alone made everything worth it. but looking at what i could have been, a rugger with potential, i do regret. being in a uniform group just doesnt match up to being a sportsman. i should have listened to alfrednathan in sec 1. but its not like scouts didnt teach me anything. scouting knowledge definitely came in handy in camps. it was a choice i made, though i wasnt sure what i was getting myself into at that time. regardless, my scouting life in sji is over. then came prelims, which weirdly, i studied less for then mid years. and i managed to get 13 points. maybe its the quality, not the quantity. and so from prelims to o levels it was more or less a study marathon, though i wasnt entirely focused on it. and o levels ame and went, turning out to be easier than i expected. and yes that was basically it. finished. sji was no longer my school. no more morning prayers, no more scouts, no more sji teachers. its a new future

and so im here, after kuching trip which was loads of fun. whats to come for me in the new year? im not gonna make any new years resolution since i dont even believe in it in the first place. what's in store for me in the future? hongkong bound. chinese international school. prospects arent fantastic, but its a life i have to live. im gonna miss singapore alot. all the friends i made. the life i have. everything. thank you all for being with me through my different points of life.

life isnt always rosy. it can be a bitch. but just pray and hope that puppies come out of it. =)

bored.

2006-12-24T17:09:00.000+08:00

well officially im bored. but technically i cant be bored if i have something to do right, and as such i am blogging right now. anyway, whatever the case, im not in the best of spirits right now. getting that emo feeling again. lets see the possibilities of its cause: its chrismas eve. im alone at home, im not getting the nice christmas eve dinner that i should be getting if im with my family, and instead im having home-cooked chicken rice, which isnt exactly fantastic. and im feeling cooped up being stuck at home, with nothing real to do, except to blow up people on dota. and blogging. and best of all, ITS RAINING. maybe thats the essential factor. gosh i hate rain. always always, if im alone/sad, rain never fails to help me feel worse. sigh..

well then again i cant blame anyone for spending christmas eve alone. i chose it myself, hoping that i can cherish the last few days of singapore. but now in retrospect, im missing something. and so is my family. why does it take me so long just to realise that what i really want is to be loved, which comes mostly from my own family. well i guess im a teenager, wishing to be accepted by people.

but then again, if i were to actually have flown up to hong kong to meet them immediately after i was done with kuching, that would mean that i would have to say all my goodbyes within the time from which i come back to singapore to the time i leave, which is less than 24 hours. so then again, was it really a bad choice? furthermore, i do have a dental appointment to attend.

i guess what i really want right now is love. im sorely lacking it, went looking for love in all the wrong places this year. and ignoring those who truly love me. stupid me. well, to all those who actually are reading this, merry christmas eve.

i admire intelligience. wish i could fully utilise mine.

nightmare, dream?

2006-12-23T10:27:00.000+08:00

i just woke up from a dream, i was in a trailer, the mobile kind, and then tehre's a gun man trying to shoot me. brrr.. didnt sweat but yea was quite scary.

which suddenly reminded me of something during kuching. i remember waking up from another dream. and it was THE most vivid and realistic dream i ever had. normally my dreams are kinda hazy, dont hear very many voices and grey-ish. this had full colour, i could hear voices. it was as follows...

acsi closed down. dont ask me why, and dont ask me why i went there. i went there and went around looting stuff, taking signboards and directional stuff (even though i have never been inside acsi). then i moved upstairs to the canteen, i remember going into the western stall and the chef offering me prawns, going into the indian stall and seeing the northern indian cuisine. after that i went outside, and stared out into the open for no apparent reason, then i got a sms from some girl who was an acsi guy's girlfriend. said that she was coming. then we talked abit, and i got a note from her mum saying i was too guai, or was it jai. no idea what jai means but yeah, after that i woke up.

they say that dreams are a reflection of life. and come to think of it, this dream does make some sense. wont elaborate much here but esp the part about the girl and her mum saying that did make some sense.

i hope i havent freaked anyone out, its just that i just had to post that, it was really the most vivid dream i ever had. well on a lighter note, DASHBOARD CONFESSIONALS ROCK. haha, was just listening to their new album, dusk and summer, over and over again and i never got sick again. its emo, without being noisy. the lyrics are quite beautiful, thats when u actually understand it. love the band. love their new album.

will be posting and entry soon about my journey through secondary school life, and then some special notes to everyone. yes everyone on my msn list. can't promise that ALL will get it but at least those who do talk to me, mainly for the reason that i hardly know those who dont talk to me. anyway, gonna go movie with nat later, plus do abit more shopping. then go for sat evening mass. peace out y'all

all i want for christmas is you

2006-12-22T20:16:00.000+08:00

yeah went out today and went to see qin lao shi. haha carmen, her friend, chengkai, benedict, nicolas and i went, gave lao shi some flowers, i gave her the calender from 8 days. haha cheapo me. then we went for lunch at pastamania, 3 pizzas shared among us all. haha quite full surprisingly. thanks to qin lao shi for treating us, and for being our lao shi! haha

and then i went shopping with dy, zl and javier. rather i met them at hmv, where i bought dashboard confessional's dusk and summer, and then we went to paradigm to try and play pool. but there were no free tables @##$. so we just basically stoned while watching wayne, gabriel and his bro play. finally left the place, then went to ps to but christmas stuff. haha i was like the only one doing any shopping. bought a pair of earphones for myself (even though i dont currently have a working mp3/ipod) bought a cool badge (same shit, different day) bought a nice LITTLE book for val =)

after that headed back home, stoning on the mrt with a stomachache. ouch.. anw, did some more shopping at westmall. oh, there was a group of people who were performing some christmas songs using sign language for the hearing impaired. my initial thought was that it would be much nicer if there actually were the aformentioned people present, which i didnt think there were. but yeah after a while i realised that it was quite a thoughtful idea for them to actually do such a thing. bringing the season of joy to everyone.. yeah. job well done i would say. great idea sacrifising their time and effort for the less fortunate. so after that bought more gifts for church friends, shant say much.

all in all i spent about 58 bucks on gifts, including the cd and earphones. think im spending even more tmr.. darn. anyway, merry christmas to all of you dudes out there, its the season of giving! who cares if we are promoting business, its the thought that counts =)

back from kuching

2006-12-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

yes i am back in singapore and am finally blogging about it.. feeling kinda lazy so i guess i'll slowly take my time, just briefly go through what happened.

day 0, reached smota at around 930pm, went to buy kopiko. haha.. no sleep all the way, boarded the bus to jb around 230, 3 in the morning. drifted off abit here and there on the bus ride, then got on the plane where i was completely zoned out. slept the entire ride. then got to st anne's, upacked some stuff and headed to mt singnai. climbing mt singnai with hardly any sleep is really taxing! plus carried a brick while doing the stations of the cross. got some stuff sorted out in my head. reached the top finally, bridge marathon after that...

day 2, we re arranged all the bricks which we brought up, which previously was one hell of a mess. really amazing work. oh the coffee there is AMAZING. can just drink and drink. come to think of it, i think coffee has something to do with constipation, cuz i didnt shit for days! haha. more bridge marathon and other carolling and line dancing practices.

day 3, head back down from mt singnai, repacked stuff at st anne's, then headed off for kampung gayu. really hesitant about the idea of staying in a kampung at first, but got quite a pleasant surprise. they have electricity, computer, tv. wow if there was warm water it would have been totally perfect, but could still do without it. durians were.heavenly. absolutely amazing.. fresh from the tree, really really good. then went around the houses carolling and telling lame jokes here and there. haha..

day 4, went around bringing christmas to the poorer houses in the kampung. told more lame jokes along the way. oh i got to sit on a bike! the age limit there is like, 16? i want.. haha. after that lunch, and we had the choice of soccer or swimming. damn i have no idea why i chose soccer. we got owned, if not for the other 3 malaysians who joined our side we would have lost like crap. heard that the river was cool, and picking fruits were lovely. headed back and showered, then had a sort of farewell party. told more lame jokes, pineapples were deelicious. just simply flavourful. more carolling after that.

day 5, had the famous kolo mee for breakfast. sure tastes good. then officially left kampung gayu, created a song titled "hotel kampung gayu". lame stuff.. went to st lucas dorm to put down our stuff, then went over to st anne's to prepare for the christmas party. tall people had a tall order. hur hur.. no complaints though. mass was hot?

day 6, had the christmas party itself. i think we managed to make it a success even though there was the initial problem of language barrier. i am turtle maker master. hahaha. more bridge. then some reflections. got more stuff sorted out. yeah..

day 7, visited orangutan place, though we didnt meet any in the end. haha, then went to this fabulous seafood restaurant. well its view was nicer than anything else, and the fact that they were playing techno stuff which was seriously old skool. haha. the veiw was quite nice, got me started on some thinking too. thanks to marianne for the pic of the stunning scenery! then went sarawak cultural village, quite an interesting place haha. skipped some stones at the river. haha.. went back to st anne's and had a mini party. whooo.

day 8, had a last mass. the homily was quite helpful for some people. then spent most of the rest of the day shopping, i bought a really cool pair of sunnies. thanks to marianne again for choosing it for me! haha. and then basically a plane ride and bus ride home. everyone looking stoned, some for good reason...

well i guess that was basically it. i had loads of fun with all u guys and girls who were there. yes smota smota! haha.. cheers to group 3, marcus, justin chan, mikel, lester, teacher paul! haha and the others who i hang around with, u all know who u guys are. yup i think im not the same person anymore. hahaha

thank you God.

away

2006-12-10T21:40:00.000+08:00

will be going kuching from 11th dec 10pm to 19th dec midnight. thanks to all those who have been reading, will try and update when i get back

today went out with jo, gen. val was supposed to come! but was sick? and chinhao too, but he wanted to be with his family. so the three of us went to westmall, had lunch at sakae. im never gonna go back there again. man the sushi rice was like falling apart, the dons also werent that nice. dejavu was a great movie, highly recommended, kinda cheem but very thrilling, action packed. haha.. then bowling! jo started off really well! first one to strike! then randall came and her luck went down haha. i managed to hit 100 for the first game! and randall was damn funny at the counter, talking in chinese to the person. ahahha..

sigh im so broke now. cant go out as much as i want to. nvm, not gonna spend anything next week anyway cuz im gonna be in kuching, bye all!

happy birthday xavier!

2006-12-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

yeah had a sort of class outing to sentosa. my legs are damn tired even though i didnt really walk around that much. xavier was fashinalby late, asked us to meet at harbourfront mrt at 11 and he turned up at 1145. anyway it was his birthday so yeah didnt really scold him. hahaha... played beach soccer, the others swam around, then went to vivocity for dinner. major problem deciding where to eat but in the end settled down at superdogs, which was kind of a rip off. oh well, gues its sort of the same as carl's jr.

and it seems like im not gonna be able to organise a church outing before i leave for hongkong. hmm..

there doesnt seem to be a word in my vocabulary which can describe exactly what im feeling right now. not happy, not sad, not high, nor sluggish, i guess its just a mixed feeling. stoned perhaps? or maybe disappointed.. the outing was still fun! haha

Cuz tonight's the night whe world begins again

2006-12-06T14:00:00.000+08:00

and if it be so, then so be!
what a joyous occasion for us to be thought of thee
we may not know where we go
5 years from now
but one thing's for sure
it will come some way, some how
leave the world with me,
i will take you on a magical journey

my teeth are hurting more and more

she's on your mind

2006-12-04T09:43:00.000+08:00

well thats if there was a she. i can't stand it when my parents make it seem as if there is a special someone i have/want to have/thinking of having/whatever. am i really a guai kia? maybe, just maybe, deep down i probably am some little kid afraid to do things, afraid to do anything that will get me scolded. i never had a normal life. no one really knows my parents but me and my sisters. i appreciate marcus' optimism about me coming back to singapore after i get my o level results but the truth is i already know the outcome without it being said. its impossible. i already told them that i would commit to it, even though i never really meant it. but then again, i dont know. when does loving stop being love and turn into hurt?

well i went to the beach on saturday! haha had loads of fun playing asshole tai ti, playing around in the water, all sorts of weird stuff. hahahaha. got slightly sunburnt from all of that. apparently i look brown now (according to jo).

was just pondering about something. Does The End Really Justify The Means? suppose i was like president of usa (just supposing) and i want world peace, so i stage a war against all hostlie nations and eventually billions of people get killed, but, we achieve our target, world peace! no more wars! well, the aim of world peace was eventually obtained, but so many people were eventually killed, and even so world peace might not be definite. what i am really trying to say is that does it really mean that we can really choose any method we want, and no matter the casualties or the cost, as long as we make the ideal outcome, it is still a justified method? just something i was thinking about...

my mum came back

2006-12-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

and i got a scolding. well i guess thats that. and err well what else can i expect? anyway, kuching prep on thurs was weird, its quite sad that the sji batch in smota of sec 3 are so.. pai kia. kinda disappointing. sort of. ok hope i dont get flamed or anything for this. again i emphasise pls read my foreword before u say anything. so yup, just a random update...

irregularity report

2006-11-29T18:22:00.000+08:00

today was bad/stoned/tiring/happy/coincidental. and the day isnt even up yet. i predict its gonna be back to bad tonight. lets see..

woke up at 8:47am. suddenly realised that i slept through my dental appointment, which started at 8:15 and takes half and hour. which meant that i woke up almost exactly when my appointment should have ended. felt terrible. but dont have anyone to blame but myself.. sigh..

so then just stoned around at home. played bnet. actually played agains jonny, gabriel, darren quah without realising it. haha..

went out to collect my passport around 1. waiting for my turn took at least an hour. basically stoned around and let my headache get worse. it was just so painful..

on the way home from the mrt i chanced upon the idea of going vivocity! so yup, first time there, it is huge. and really really awesome. i love candy empire! (not the prices there) it has such a perfect location, the first thing i saw when i came out of the mrt station was CANDY EMPIRE. sweet.

was walking to the bus interchange, was gonna wait at my bus area when i saw jo. so amazing that i met her there! we were like talking for a while then went to get something to eat, so went bk. and then guess what. we met kelly! it was just so freaky. and at bk as i was queueing up, i met. milton. this world is reaaallllly small. so thats that.

tonight my mum is gonna call from malaysia and ask my how my day was. and im gonna have to tell her that i missed my appointment. stupid stupid stupid me. well good night.

(and if you're wondering why im blogging so much, i dont know, i guess its kidna addictive when u start a blog, but after a while it will lose its appeal, so dont take this as what my daily blog would look like, updated.)

well what do u know

2006-11-28T21:39:00.000+08:00

i'm posting more often than i said i would! haha.. well i slept at 5 yesterday, got woken up at 10. grr, 5 hours of sleep.. but surprisingly im not as sleepy as i thought i would be. nat came to my house today cuz chris had some appointment around here! haha, we played a few rounds of mahjong, i won all! =)

so then i went for the kuching preparations. balloon making! haha i used to do it with my family last time but kinda stopped, but i think i've still got it! haha.. dinner at macs, at too much fries, i feel oily. i had a hamburger, then got my own fries, than chin hao offered me some, then marianne made me eat hers. haha..

then was line dancing. kinda getting the hang of it i guess. i'm sorry i have long legs!

then just basically stoned around, almost everyone left except me jo and a few others. so was having quite a ncie talk with her. ya guess there isnt anything wrong with being emo. i mean a person who isnt emo can be considered as void of emotions right? haha.. but yeah we talked about quite alot of stuff, about the church and other stuff. dont worry jo, i promise i wont tell anyone about what u told me that u only told one other person. there's really nothing wrong in keeping your feelings to yourself, but i guess it could become unhealthy. i'm here as a friend if u need anyone to talk to! well thats if u dont mind haha (:

so while on my bus home i was just thinking of a poem so yup here goes:

Fatigue
We are here today for this solemn occasion,
For the sake of commemeration.
Of this certain human being,
Who spent all his time seeking.
Seeking a life of lost tranquility,
Seeking a life void of all worry.
He was dedicated to do this all his life,
He endured all trials of fire and strife.
He never gave up on his conquest,
And not even the the bleakest of tests.
For black is but a colour,
That reflects a time of the darkest hour.
Overcome this feeling to surge ahead,
Give up all comforts like breakfast in bed.
This man, he walked, all through this search,
With 2 companions, his bag and his birch.
He found what he was looking for, perhaps too late,
For when he collapsed, he said ,"Son, it is fate."
And so we learn that fate is what keeps us in place,
And lets us never stop this hasty pace.
Good luck my friends.

finally, i go out!

2006-11-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

after such a long while yeah? haha.. well i guess it was fun for the most of it. we watched happy feet, which was a really entertaining movie, but zero depth to it, but still funny. worth a watch if u like brainless humour i guess...

then had dinner with li shaan. haha, been a while since i had such a nice meal with someone. we actually called qing lao shi! haha and she said some weird stuff. heh. oh well

yay tmr theres kuching preparations. okay so hope that things go well, i should sleep more. (on a side note, at least im not feeling so emo today. i think going out really helps to neutralise this stupid feeling. DIE EMO)

it seemed so long ago..

2006-11-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

well i guess the primary reason that i set up this blog, prob my third or fourth was to not go crazy. think its been a while since i mused to myself, and reflected on what exactly has been happening thus far..

well the o levels came and went. just as quickly as it started, it was over. guess that right now theres nothing we can do but wait. wait in anticipation. but i guess it doesnt really matter how well or badly i do..

im going to hongkong to study the ib programme. which means that i will be missing jc life in singapore. is that good? so my dad says. and i guess i cant really argue with that. i just wish that i could lead a normal life, and not have to be pushed into all these weird stuff which i really dont want to do. i dont know whether to hate my dad since he told me that i can stay in singapore if i do well for the o levels. and then he tells me im going there to study. im feeling quite hurt by it but i also dont know whether i should express this view cuz i also dont want to make him feel worse than he is. so i just have to suffer. painfully..

which is prob the real reason im having a blog. i need a place where i can just let go of my emotions. feeling very very emo right now, esp after what happened today. dont want to go into detail but every time i tell my self that i have let go, a feeling in me just tells me to go for it. that i can still do it. but an awkward silence separates us so i guess things will go the way it is going, i go to hongkong and no more love in my life. guess that works both ways again.

well to all those who are reading this, thanks for just taking time off to read this. i wont be updating regularly so maybe just once or twice a week. sometimes more. i dont know. if i feel like it.

God i need your help. im slowly drifing away from you. i need to stop moving away from you..