good times

a picture says a thousand words.
go figure.
singapore holds one place in my heart that will never be removed.

http://good-times.webshots.com/album/557876985hepYhF

its been a while

ok so i havent updated in at least a week.
im back in singapore now
and i have sorta met up with almost everyone i want to
except maybe... hmm
im not too sure either
oh well, i love singapore
alot
as much as i might have twisted all those national songs
this is home truly
it just somehow is true
and thats something you only realise when u actually leave singapore
singapore pride
hahaha, man pap sure will be proud of me
and its not even national day yet

so yes tried to crash cjc today
which turned out to be abit of a disaster
went to cjc, borrowed roderick's shirt to try and blend into the crowd
and so met all the sji people who joined odac
and they told me to go see mr tan the vp to inform him that i am gonna be visiting
just to be safer
so i walk around cjc, shock quite alot of people
hahaha
and then during assembly rod brings me to see mr tan
who tells me to go and wait outside the admin office
so i go and do that
*
and eventually when return to the office he tells me to wait for him
and then finally after ignoring me for quite a while,
condescends to come out of his office and talk to me
"what is your name?"
"john isaac lee. john. john lee. i was actually posted to cjc for the first 3 months"
"let me go check..."
"group 13"
so mr tan goes into his office and after another prolonged wait he comes back out
"john isaac lee... i remember you. you didnt turn up on the first day of school, and we even called your home phone to ask if you were coming"
"i wasnt very sure of what i was gonna be doing, and i wasnt sure what my parents were thinking of doing"
"but its basic courtesy to at least give a call that you wont be turning up, to at least inform us. so why are you here today?"
"err i would like to just visit cjc for one day"
"why?"
"err i would like to get to experience jc life?"
"for who?"
"myself?!"
"why? one day of jc life wont be enough for you to know what jc life really is like. if u really wanted to you should have come at the start of the term"
"ok, so what do you propose i do"
"i propose that you take of that cjc shirt you're wearing, you're not even a student here, and return it to me"
"yes ok i'll do that and try and leave as soon as possible..."
that was basically what our conversation was like, so essentially he was telling me to get out of cjc. but i actually had no problems, wasnt really expecting very much, but im just hoping that i didnt get any of my other friends into trouble because of this.

so anyway, after i leave cjc, i decide to go visit sji, seeing that i missed it that time when i went back to get my results. and then i got to meet all my teachers, and yes im proud of myself, mdm lily kwang actually said my chinese is very fluent!!! yes i rock lol. haha, and yeah was just so great to meet up with all my other sec 4 teachers, telling them about my marks and chatting about other stuff. ooo edmond has a gf? scandalous. hahaha.. and catching up with all my juniors in scouts. at least i dont feel like i actually didnt accomplish anything in my last year of sji now. seeing that i was not in a single photo apart from class and cca photo in the josephian annual.. that really got me thinking about how much i had actually accomplished in my last year in sji. but i am contented with what i have done. especially in scouts. those thoughts on stepping down day about me not having trained the sec 3 batch enough now all seems rather pointless. they do seem to be managing rather well on their own. and there's a new female scout teacher! haha sji has changed. but memories will remain with all of us forever. SJI, I SALUTE MY ALMA MATER. rock on man

so yes then basically it was my older sister's birthday today so...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONST! :D
haha goodnight everyone.

V DAY

oh my goodness. how my sisters have changed. its amazing, not necessarily in a good way. the way i see things, one of them is gonna turn into, or already is, a flirt, the other is a potential lesbian. oh my gosh. what happened... ok so maybe im just being a prick.

so anyway. VALENTINES DAY. haha, its more interesting in a mixed school, so much to say, but i need sleep. so yes, shall try and blog about it soon. i know i am liked!! heh.

COMING BACK HOME SOON

what i really wanted to say.

so ok, now that im feeling more in touch with myself, which i wasnt yesterday, i think i'll go through what i really wanted to say.

i got 12 points L1R5 for o levels. which i really really didnt expect, except a few hours before my sis actually messaged me my results, that i started wondering: what if. what if, and maybe, just maybe, i might not be to get 6 points, or worse, below ten. and so i wondered to myself on the way home, and my dad calls me just when i get home, asking me whether my mum has sent me my results, and the tone of his voice says it all. and then i see that message. and i just screamed fuck. i just couldnt, and didnt want to hold back. i really could not believe it. it was.. totally unexpected. on the bus on the way home, i had told myself, that if i didnt get below ten, i wouldnt go to the dance. and so my dad calls me, asks me what im gonna do, and i tell him that i dont feel like going for the dance. so he tells me, take the ferry out, and then from there see what i want to do. so i bath, and the song "so far away" by staind suddenly hits me. i just had to download it, to drown myself in on the ferry to central. and in the process of all that downloading, i forget about my dad's shoes which he asked me to bring.

i reach the ferry point, seeing my dad, and then i realise that he has a blister. and i forgot his shoes for him. how stupid i felt. and then as mentioned earlier, we had a chat. and then i realised just how obvious it really was that i was not going to actually get below ten, let alone 6. the amount of effort wasnt exactly very significant in affecting how well i was to do. it was simply my level of thinking. i was merely cruising through life, and im not even sure if i have stopped at this point of time. come to think of it, in my sec four life, i studied hardest for my mid years, and then my prelims, and oddly my o levels itself. and the conversatin with my dad really let me realise a few things. that one, they sent me to hongkong because they knew that i wasnt gonna make it below ten, they knew that as much as i hoped, it was really quite impossible, and in fact, they had saved me from the mediocrity of being in a mediocre junior college. when my dad told me that if i really did get 6 points for o levels, he would reconsider sending me back to singapore, and when he first said that i didnt believe it. but now, looking back, i do believe that he might actually make good his word. but he knew that i was not going to be able to get myself out of the rut i was in, and again, my parents bailed me out. my results were pretty much determined with the quality of studying and the quality of my thinking. now, fate somehow seems to make some sense.

and then i realised something else. my phone. i had actually used it as a bargaining tool with my dad, that if i get below ten for o levels, he would actually get me the k800. and he got it for me before my results came, so i thought that he really trusted that i would get below ten, or something like that. turns out that he already thought it through, he never expected me to get below ten, and because of that, he got me the phone before the results came out. why? he then explained to me. to serve as some kind of perverse reminder that i, john isaac lee, had not yet earned what i have, and that i have to keep at it. truly indeed, my parents are smart, and i really, really should have listened to them.

so now what? ultimately, my o level results dont affect my entrance into year 12 for the ibdp, so, i guess i still have another chance. what do i want in 2 years time? do i want to repeat that conversation with my dad? no. change. its a word which many of us, in fact all of us, are constantly using. change. for the better.

i got a 12.

"love is watching, someone die"

if anyone was wondering. so i was wondering, where did i go wrong. and then i had a nice chat with my dad, which was suddenly dejavu, i had the same type of conversation with him four years ago, after my psle. we went to ghih moh, and then i remember being in the car, crying my eyes out, feeling totally like crap. that was then. so now, four years on, it seems almost as if nothing changed. i still do disappointingly. if you're reading this, please dont tag and say that 12 is good or anything like that, tag about something else. like how blue the sky is.

so again i have stuff which i need to change. and im almost afraid to tell myself to do it. afraid that again, what i did was totally in vain. but i have got to change. just like my dad says, i will one day wakeup and realise what it really means. but when that comes, no one knows, and hopefully, it will come when its not too late.

-be more precise.
-be more firm.

i lost alot of what i really wanted to say, after going through today. but i guess thats all i have to say, 12 is 12. its a reality. so i guess thats that.

"so who's gonna watch you die.."

IT ENDS TOMORROW

O LEVEL RESULTS. GOSH I AM SO SCARED
I REALLY REALLY HOPE THAT I GET AT LEAST BELOW TEN
ITS SO DARN SCARY
SHIVER...

keeping it alive

my blog that is. aww carp im feeling tired, back aching quite abit. hmm rugby...

alright. i tried following those stuff. for a few seconds. and then life went on the same way. not gonna go much more into detail...

i need to sleep earlier. sleep early = more energy the next day + not feel tired. i say thats a brilliant idea. goodnight.

reflecting

been thinking. just like, about my life.
not emo-ing.
just.. thinking.
and reflecting.
i just realised, that growing up is not exactly easier than growing up
in fact, it is kinda tough
alot more would be expected of me than i am right now
im really lazy, i already have started being lazy in school, not completing homework
and yesterday was quite interesting for me personally
there was a history discussion in class
so we were basically supposed to discuss over whether the government should have the right to take away our civil liberties sometimes
and i didnt actually think of any arguments
so i was pretty much silent
except for 2 occasions, and the point i made in both times contradicted each other
which just shows that im not even sure of my stand
and i was identified by my history teacher as one of the quieter ones
i heard what she said, but im only thinking about it right now
do i actually have what it takes to be a lawyer?
i tried thinking why i was so quiet
and i realised it also had to do with my own confidence and self esteem
and it then led me to think about my dark past
well not really dark
but its a past im not very proud of, and if possible would want to forget it
being teased about how i smell, how irritating i am, then being teased about how easily i cry, and other stuff
and then i saw that there was always someone there who would shield me
my mum
and so now, its life without my mum, here in hongkong
its quiet definitely
no one who will really nag at me to get my work done
which is more peaceful
but it also means that i have to really take charge of my life
been wasting quite alot of my afternoons doing nothing, or rather trying to do work and failing
and i realised that i also have another huge problem
concentrating on my work
one thing which i really lack is focus
i cant seem to be able to sit down and finish my work without thinking of other stuff, or without trying to do something else.
basically without being distracted easily
which makes that quite alot of problems that im facing that i have to change
confidence, concentration, commitment.
my 3 Cs.
so ok, i have identified my problems
now to work out the how.
how should i go about doing this?
im lost.
i dont know what to do.
and one other thing which was really my own choice, that i refused
God
or, God in my life
even though it may be harder to follow my religion here
it still is possible
and i chose not to
i miss smota.
i miss those times of being a kid
but its over
i have to get serious. conquer my 3 Cs.
CONFIDENCE
CONCENTRATION
COMMITMENT

where we left off

alrighty, just a quick update. all my attempts to TRY and exercise in the past few days has been, how shall we say it. non-existent would be the exact term. and i bought chips to eat today, and i finished one whole 142g bag all by myself! :O tut tut, im disappointed with myself

which brings me to another event. watched an anger management video in class today. stress is like a stack of tinder. stress causes anger, and all it needs is a trigger thought! time out! learn to control. think happy thoughts! dont let it get the better of you!

am currently made to eat my words right now. argh, cant believe it, its only been a month, and already __ is like **. if u dont understand what im saying and want to know, talk to me on msn. oh and i will only be online from 10-11pm eveyday! hopefully.

Concoction
Capture the moment
in a window pane
Confront your desire
lest it drive you insane.

AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SONG.